By Abdulhamid Al-Gazali
I think I have a large backlog of debts to pay off by way of this series one after the other. For example, I know I always leave Muhammad Adamu Chul, my colleague at work with whom I have had a lot of trips, quietly nonplussed about what exactly I look for in hotels. Our view of these things are almost parallel. There is a reason: I am a crudely affected victim of the so-called disease of the third millennia—as if reminiscent of Engel – Marx’s days of outright dismissal of spirituality for a matter-only world a little over 100 years ago—where form takes precedence over function.
He has survived it, both because of his cognitive stability and age, unlike me, even though I am also in no any regrets whatsoever. I am younger, which may probably explain my cognition’s vulnerability to press, or, aesthetical manipulation. But then, let us just live our lives, we don’t care about all these theories and over-analysis! If you like, go and do it, allow me to enjoy small.
The truth is that, I do not also get carried away by a hotel’s outward representation. I have a set of things I look for, which are in the interiors, location, services or gestures and proximity to certain places. None of these considerations I think leave the charge of extravagance leveled against me justified—but which I am not worried about even if they do, since for instance, I enjoy the beautiful rooms, the free coffee and so forth. I have genuine reasons and concerns—or, all the same, not at all—for arriving at them.
One is philosophical—and I only have to remember the numb faces of my Philosophy students, to caution myself against any attempt at explaining it here. If there is anything to say, is the fact that, those who are hugely imbued with a deep love for God and happen to live in urban centres, are so much attracted to complex art, or beauty, some of which these hotels represent. But those who live in rural areas find beauty in, and are attracted to simplicity. That such people are highly ascetic against indulgence, does not prove anything against the former. Rather, they seek the same thing differently, given to their backgrounds.
The complex architectural work, the cleanliness—which in its case is long described as being next to godliness—and beautiful fragrance, are all manifestations, to some, of the beauty of God. You cannot live in this beautiful world and settle for anything less for the mere fact of being frugal.
For, how can I comprehend, for instance, what the staff of my friend, who were funded—each for air travel, hotel and meals—for a study tour from one extreme end of the country to the other did, when, after all these they ended up cramping into rickety commercial vehicles to make the trip, over 14 hours? Some of them arranged room ‘mergers’ and thus slept in twos and threes. As if that isn’t too much, they went all up against themselves to eat from roadside food vendors and las las (as we say in Nigeria out of wonderment) ended up with stomaches, all thanks to ‘system protest’. If that was greed, it was first time I knew it can also be used against oneself.
There is nothing, they may simply have been misled by a sanctimonious sermonization about ‘moderation’, nay outright self-mutilation; or fallen victims of misbegotten fear created by capitalists about the world being undersupplied—and my friends, whatever it is, that is their cup of tea. For me, here are the things I will never get tired of exploring.
Lavatory
The most important thing for me in hotel rooms are their lavatories. I am allergic, excessively, to unclean lavatories, as I believe everyone else is. This allergy would see me go through the whole of my school life without ever using school lavatories. Save for luck, my trick for minimizing the need to use them would have damaged my renal system. I took very little amount of water. So in a summary, I lived my school years as an extremely dehydrated—and add: dumb, but lucky—visibly fragile young chap. Fragile, because I also eat too little, with an even more outrageous eating habit. Too little food, little water, I do not know why I do not engage in voluntary fasting everyday. That discipline, if you can call it that, now refined in line with all health concerns, still guides how I conduct myself outdoors.
Besides cleanliness, the size of a lavatory matters to me, but not as much. A spacious toilet is so tempting to ignore, and when it has bathing tubs or cubicles with effective drain systems, over 50 % of what I am looking for in a hotel has been met. Bathtubs, enclosed bathing cubicles and effective flood drain systems are so important to me because I am also allergic to wet environments. Very sad I am allergic to many things, but do I even care?
I also do not know if it is my pedantry, which I may have learnt from my mentors, or sensitivity, which I think is a natural disposition, but some toilets have certain deeply rooted stink. It is sometimes so overwhelming that it defies all attempts at suppressing them using air fresheners. Think whatever you want, but so long as I am buoyant, I would not tolerate such an oozing odor in this beautiful, exceptionally endowed world. I may take torture, but I don’t take a self-induced one!
There is a hotel in Durumi, Abuja, named IEC Villa, where I used to spend many days. Given its size and location, many wonder why I would insist on lodging there. IEC has such an amazing electronic toilet, the type of which I have not yet seen anywhere in my travels. The flood drain system is also so effective that the tiled floor dries almost immediately. This aside, it smells good. They also used to have an assorted souvenir of branded toothbrushes, bathing gel, toothpastes and body lotions. The toothbrush may last you a long time, but if you have a big mouth full of over-size teeth and a hefty body, I think you need to come with your toothpaste and body lotion; you may exhaust them the first day.
But these things about the lavatory alone had kept me stuck to the hotel for years, until I shoved it aside for a personal reason, which I will explain whenever I am to write on it as a subject.
The truth is, it took me long to find their replacements, especially among others of the same size and cost. Each time bad luck takes me to hotels with enclosed nonsense audaciously, shamelessly and daringly called toilets, I remember IEC Villa—even more than Transcorp Hilton or Eko Hotels, two of Nigeria’s leading hotels I have had the privilege of staying in. In terms of facilities, they are of course worlds apart. The only reason I think about IEC more is that it was more affordable.
So in case you don’t know what to look for in hotel rooms, start with the lavatories. But if cleanliness, space and pleasant smell don’t interest you, you can be passing the night at any motor park before going back to your shebang, where you must have been living to have become so used to dirt, stink and taperedness.
